So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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