Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
