I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
