theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
