how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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