if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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