Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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