I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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