So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
