Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
