also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
