he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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