I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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