sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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