she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
