Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
