just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
