yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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