If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
