the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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