He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
