i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
