Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Randomize
