she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
