I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
