Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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