The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
