i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
