If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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