Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Randomize
