Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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