I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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