using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
