ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
