the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
