Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
