just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
