I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
