Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
