i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
