fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I want a musical about memes.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
