1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
