if you like me you must not know who I am
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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