My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
