today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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