You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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