come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
