***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
