literally had 100 drinks last night.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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