Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
